This is weird because one of the last "30 day challenge" topics was something you were afraid of. I started to do it and copped out because I felt like it was a jinx. Hence, the end of my journaling with that. Anyway, I was right! Yesterday a lady ran into me at a stop light......this is what Im afraid of.....accidents! Im paranoid about them and they freak me out. Granite, this was not a full on accident, a mere fender bender, but it put me into a panic and Ive been crying ever since........for no reason other than all the context around it.
I was already emotional because I just had an experience, in itself, with my boys. The situation--Coop and I took off to Salt Lake for his baseball game. I get a phone call from an anxious Chase saying his baseball bag was in my car. Blake was taking him to his game at about the same time, somewhere else. The calm, cool, collected mom I am (NOT) chewed Chase out over the phone for not being responsible enough to get his stuff ready. Not giving him a chance to speak, I spout that Im on my way and have Blake meet me at the exit. I had to leave Cooper there alone (with his team, but still, he's my baby!). I meet them, Chase gets out and, half in tears because he knows I was upset, sais, "Mom, I thought you were taking me to Uncle Aaron's so I put my bag in your car. I didn't know Blake was taking me." I suddently realized that this was true....I did not tell him the change of plans. I got out, gave him a hug and said I was sorry for freaking out on him...blah blah blah. Pissed at myself I began to think, what if something happened to me on the way there? That would have been something Chase (already the sensitive, pleasing type) would deal with the rest of his life. They take on so many things that we don't even realize. See! PARANOID. Regardless, I started to feel overwhelmed and may have got choked up a bit. I do it in class too....always quick to make conclusions about something when, in reality, something else was going on with that kiddo. Lesson learned, or learning.
Well, on my way back to Cooper, this lady ran into me while I was stopped at the light. I didn't even see her coming and it pushed me all the way to the middle of the intersection. Long story inbetween here. Let's just say I was crying, trying to get a hold of Curt and figure what I should do. The rest of the day I just cried at random and slept. It's kinda a blur because I didn't know what to think about it all. Kristen and Bailey did their best to make sure I was "normal." Which, she said, was hard to tell because Im a nutjob anyway:) That's fair, I guess:)
In conclusion....I don't wanna have the responsibility of having kids anymore. Too many opportunities to screw them up and I can't keep up sometimes. I guess I could think that, but that doesn't do me any good because they are still here! So, how about pulling from this the importance of "this moment." I can get caught up in so many things at once that I don't pay attention to the important things NOW!
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